Relationship Advice - What Is Killing Your Marriage?

By Beverleigh H Piepers

A bad marriage not only damages your heart, but also your very soul. However, most people do not think about their future life when planning their marriage. But have you been wondering what happened to the honeymoon spark and the marriage bliss you vowed to hold on to?

If you are now starting to feel like a stranger in your own home, then it is time to review your marriage. Many people are afraid of getting married because of the rate at which marriages are failing.

The question is, what is killing marriages these days?

1. Broken wedding vows. On your wedding day, you promised to love your partner and only them. But a few years after the honeymoon, some people tend to break this vow. If you have arrived at the point where you feel like your needs are not being met, then your union could be heading south.

The feeling your current partner is now not the ideal partner means something has really changed... either for you or for them. You need to sit down and talk things over with your partner... immediately.

2. Avoidance of responsibility. Marriage comes with responsibilities... a lot of them. It's not like a date where everything else can be forgotten for a few hours. If you or your partner were not ready for marriage, then you need to find the areas that need work and focus on them before they become major problems.

A person who is not ready to take care of his or her partner and their family, doesn't really stand much of a chance in the marriage stakes.

3. Unwillingness to leave old habits. Once people get married, they do begin a "new" life, a life somewhat different from the one they were living before. Married life is different from single life, and many people find the transition period a rather difficult and trying time.

Your partner will be offended if you don't leave your single, bad habits behind. If you made the decision to leave your single life and settle down, then you have to be willing to stick with it.

4. Strange habits. Most of us manage to hide our "not too pretty side" during the dating period. However, you can't hide who you really are forever, and many of your bad habits will, sooner or later, show themselves:

·         selfishness,

·         bullying,

·         dishonesty, and even

·         poor hygiene

are a few of the "not too pretty side" many people manage to hide until after the wedding day. And they are some of the best love and marriage killers.

If you need help getting past them, then by all means get help! Talk to a marriage counselor... it's better to leave bad habits behind than for them to cause your marriage to be left behind.

Learn about yourself... what makes you this way? Are destructive emotions at the heart of the problems you are experiencing with your marriage. If so, maybe you need to get control of what you are really telling yourself.

For nearly 25 years Beverleigh Piepers has searched for and found the principles to help you get to the root causes of your crisis.

The solution is not in the endless volumes of information you find across the internet, or the advice your friends give... it's in yourself; the thoughts that make you who you are.

Article Source: Here

Should A Wife Pretend That She's Happy When Her Husband Leaves Her For A Separation?

By Leslie Cane

I sometimes hear from wives who are already looking for the best way to posture in terms of their behavior once their husband leaves them or pursues a separation. Many are fully aware that their husband is going to leave relatively soon. And they are wondering what is the best way to respond. Many know that they should not panic and just try to remain as upbeat as possible but they aren't sure how far they should take this.

I heard from a wife who said: "about six months ago, my husband told me that he was going to give our marriage six months to improve. He said if it didn't improve, then he was going to leave me and initiate a separation. I have really tried to make things better. And I personally think there have been improvements. But apparently, my husband disagrees with this because last week, he told me that he was probably definitely going to leave. I tried to remain neutral and since that time, I have been trying to prepare myself for the day that he leaves. I am certainly not ready to give up on my marriage, but I know that I can't panic. I guess my question is should I act happy when he leaves? Should I act like I don't care? Do I act as if I'm looking forward to my own freedom? I want to act appropriately and in a way that makes saving my marriage most likely, but I'm not sure what is most appropriate."

I know exactly how this wife was feeling. I had these same questions after my husband left me.Unfortunately, although I initially had good intentions, my true feelings showed through. I just could not hold back. I wanted my husband to come home so desperately that it was obvious how I was feeling. And I think this leads to my most important point which is that your reaction should be in alignment with your personality, what is believable, and what is going to get you the closest to what you want. I will discuss this more below.

Don't Take Any Posturing So Far That It's Not Remotely Believable:

Unless you've been fighting so much that you can no longer stand the sight of your husband, pretending to actually be happy once he leaves is probably taking things a bit too far. Most husbands are going to know their wives well enough that they aren't going to believe this stance.

I think that this would be the case here since the wife admitted that she had really been trying to improve the marriage. To that end, it was probably pretty obvious that she didn't want him to leave. So it would be a bit outlandish to think that as soon as he packed his bags and was getting ready to walk out the door, suddenly this thought made her happy. It's just too big of a jump for most situations, which is why I think that there's probably a better alternative.

Why I Think It's Better To Act Hopeful Rather Than To Act Happy:

If you were to ask me to pinpoint the best reaction in one word, I would chose the word hopeful. The reason for this is that hopeful is much easier to pull off and it is much more authentic. Of course you're going to be upset, scared, and hurt when your husband leaves. I'm not sure that you should attempt to pretend otherwise. But, it is important to portray confidence and to make it appear that you believe in your marriage, in your love, and in your commitment. As a result, I think it's appropriate to portray that you feel concerned but hopeful.

There's A Difference Between Remaining Upbeat And Being Happy That He's Gone:

Many wives who are considering appearing happy actually want to make their husbands believe that they are glad that he is gone. I don't think this is the best call. This is your marriage and your husband that you are talking about. He isn't likely to believe that you will be glad to see him gone and I'm not even sure that you should want for him to believe this.

Yes, it is important to remain upbeat and approachable once he leaves. The reason for this is that you do not want for him to be reluctant to approach you or to spend time with you. To that end, you don't want to portray depression or sadness. You want to appear that you are coping and are upbeat. But this is different from trying to make him believe that you are happy that he is gone. It is very important to understand the difference. Because one of these scenarios makes saving your marriage more likely and one makes it less likely, in my opinion and experience.

As I alluded to, I was not able to pull off the hopeful stance at first. Instead, I was desperate and this almost cost me my marriage.  I had to pull myself together in order to completely change tactics.  And one of these tactics worked quite well.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

Article Source: Here

Five Questions To Ask Before Marriage

By Helga L Van Niekerk

1. The Faith Question

Each of us enters adulthood with many different values passed onto us from our parents and cultural upbringing. This may include our faith and belief system. It would be wise for each of us to know in our own minds what is important to us when it comes to religion and faith. It then becomes a 'non-negotiable' in marriage. Lay down a foundation of faith in your own life and decide that the person you marry must have the same faith. In fact when you marry outside of your faith, before you've even tied the knot, complications arise because even the marriage ceremony will be fraught with extra negotiations regarding how it's going to take place. Know what you believe. Know Who you believe in. Are you both like-minded? Don't disregard this question, thinking it will sort itself out as time passes by. Have these deeper conversations before you get involved.

2. How Many Children Do You Want?

When you are young and in love, the idea of being 'tied down' by children may not be very appealing. If one of you doesn't want children, this could be a serious area of conflict throughout your marriage. Sort this issue out before any long term commitment is made.

3. How Do You Handle Money?

When you look at the main areas of conflict within marriage, financial issues rank right up at the top along with sex and communication. Questions to ask include are you a spender or a banker? Are you generous or tight-fisted? What's more important to you: people or things? How did your parents handle money? These kind of questions lead into others regarding who will manage the money within the family. How do each of you feel about hire purchase and credit cards? Would you take high financial risks? Do you believe in tithing? Do you give to the poor? Do you gamble or buy lotto tickets? Do you save every month? How do you feel about debt? Money issues last a lifetime. It's important that you are on the same page from the very beginning.

4. What Will The Division of Labour Be?

In years gone by, women stayed at home, managed all aspects of the home and raised the children. Men went out to work. When they got home, they put their feet up, read the newspaper, watched television and were waited on hand and foot by their doting wives. But no longer! Many families today, are double income and with more and more women becoming professionals, it is not uncommon to find wives earning more than their husbands. House-husbands are becoming a more familiar sight at supermarkets and in school carparks waiting for their children. If both husband and wife are working, who will do the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry. Add in a few children and life can be overwhelmingly busy. Roles need to be discussed and re-negotiated as time progresses.

5. How Do Feel About Divorce?

If you are people of faith, divorce should not be an option. Fifty years ago, marriage was 'for keeps'. Divorce was scandalous. Things have changed. Divorce is becoming more and more acceptable. It's easy for a couple to have a disagreement, tempers to rise, a stalemate to be achieved and rather than patience and sacrifice being offered, divorce papers are served instead. Find out how your future spouse feels about divorce. Do they believe that if the marriage doesn't work, "no problem, we can always end it?" or do they understand that marriage is hard work and worth fighting for. Difficulties and disagreements will come, but instead of considering divorce, we will choose understanding and selflessness. Decide before you commit, divorce is not an option.

Helga has been married to Mike for 26 years. She describes herself as not just happily married, but head-over-heels, doing-double-back-flips kind of happily married. They have two grown children and a much appreciated son-in-law. Mike & Helga make their home in Cape Town, South Africa. Helga works as the morning drive show presenter for a Cape Town based community radio station. She writes a daily bloghttp://www.helgavan.com

Article Source: Here

Tips for a Better Marriage

By Debra Wattes

Please be aware that I'm not a marriage counsellor and I don't advocate to be a trained or suitably qualified expert.

Listed below are my views and what I've figured out this far in my marriage. My hope is to offer a guide to our young, in hope it will help them respect themselves and one another and what to look out for as the warning signs of a possible unhealthy marriage or partnership.

I hope this list helps you and your loved ones. Please share with everyone you know. We don't truly knows what happens behind closed doors and it may help someone you know, that you didn't know needed any help. Domestic violence is rarely noticeable from the outside. It is also a very slow and progressive slippery slope.

The comments below are not biased in nature and are intended for both sexes; with the exception of number fourteen.

1.   Vows are a promise not a contract.

2.   No one should agree to obey anyone, unless you're a pet.

3.   Choose your fights don't pick them.

4.   Males listen up; sex is not making love and a woman's body is not a public toilet.

5.   Fidelity is not just reserved for sex. Would you cheat on your best friend or share what you do with everyone else you have in your life or a perfect stranger. No, why would you? Don't do it to your spouse, they're your best friend for life, your partner in life, respect them. Don't talk about them behind their back. It's supposed to be you and them against the world. Don't sit in judgment of them, you're not perfect. Figure out how to fix it together!

6.   Don't sit in separate lounge chairs, sit together and tickle each other's forehead or hold hands. It's called being intimate.

7.   Don't sit at the table opposite each other; you'll become the opposition to each other. Sit at the table next to each other, pick off one another's plate or better still feed each other.

8.   Don't be the time, where and who have you been with police. You haven't married a child and this type of behaviour engages mistrust. Mistrust builds walls and creates barriers. Respect each other's individual lives and interests.

9.   Respect each other's right for privacy and space and that also means keep out of each other's drawers, pockets and bags. Ladies, there are usually surprises in there; don't be so flamin nosey. You're the one that ends up missing out on the surprise.

10.     If your partner cheats- leave and don't go back! That ship has left the port and sailed way out into the middle of the ocean. If you go back they know you're a door mat. They know they shouldn't have cheated in the first place. They knew if you found out you would be hurt. It didn't stop them cheating knowing all that. Why would they stop cheating if you went back? They don't care; they're selfish, move on!

11.     Be together when you both want it. If it's forced, then one of you is in control of the other.

12.     Don't hit, yell, intimidate, manipulate or curse. Again I say, you're not children. Talk you fools, communicate!

13.     Don't presume to make plans without considering your partner. They have a life too and it shouldn't revolve around what you do. If it does, then what happened to the life they had before you.

14.     Women; men at the core still prefer to be the pursuer even in this modern day and age! Even in the marriage, make him work for it. Would you just give it away normally? What makes marriage any different? The chase keeps the spice alive.

15.     He knew you when he married you, so don't change who you are at the core. Tell him what you like and if you don't feel comfortable then why are you married to him- he is after all supposed to be your best friend, is he not? You're supposed to be a team, not a game, set and match.

16.     A good marriage requires work. A great marriage requires consistent work, and a mirage is an imaginary friend. Don't confuse them.

17.     And last but not least; if you see something you want or feel the need to change in the person you're with, please, for the love of everyone who knows you, do not get married to that person because it is highly probable that they're not the right one for you. No one is perfect, so you have to decide whether you find their faults endearing or annoying and can you live with them, without ever feeling the need to change them.

So, there are my list of do's and don'ts. All situations are different and only some of the above will apply to you. But if you can tick most of these tips off as that which you're doing correctly, then I believe you're heading in the right direction.

Good luck to all of you.

Debra Wattes

Article Source: Here