If Tim did what Koren asked of him it meant
that he really loved her. Obedience to the wishes of your mate was Koren's
definition of love.
If Koren gave Tim her blessing to do things
according to his priority list he felt loved, cherished and respected.
Permission to do what he wanted was Tim's definition of love.
Two differing views of
love brought friction, frustration and fury to the relationship.
Each kept demanding proof of love and care in
ways that mattered to them.
So Koren kept asking Tim to take care of
things for the family and around the house on her schedule.
Three of her most
frequent demands were:
1. Get the plumbing repair done cheaply
2. Come to bed at the same time as me
3. Stay by her side at all times at a party
Tim's hot button got pushed. He wasn't going
to let Koren control him. He would give Koren alternative ways of getting
things done, in the hope of getting her off his back.
Three of Tim's
solutions
1. My aunt knows plumbers who are reasonably
priced, call her.
2. Watch TV or read until I am ready for bed
and then we can have our time together
3. Mingle and make friends with other people at
parties
Tim's 'alternative solutions' pushed Koren's
hot buttons. She didn't care about the jobs that needed doing. She just wanted
proof that Tim would do what she asked so she could be reassured of his
continuing care and love for her.
Koren escalated her demands and Tim became
more rigid in his determination not to be controlled. Fierce clashes broke out,
each accusing the other of being mean, selfish and unloving.
Koren's angry demands became 'orders' and
'threats.'
Tim's 'alternative solutions' became outbursts
of defensiveness aimed at maintaining his autonomy.
How did Koren and Tim
end up feeling under threat, unloved and desperate to have the exact proof of
love they needed from their partners?
The rule in Koren's family was that you only
get loved if you do as you are told. When she did what her parents wanted, when
they wanted she was noticed. She received smiles, and soft loving satisfied
tones of voice directed at her. If she delayed or put her needs first, she was
ignored, spurned, forgotten and compared unfavorably to her siblings.
Tim grew up in a home where he too was
controlled but in a different way. He was allowed to have his wishes and
desires but only up to a point. He had to practice what his parents preached.
Tim knew he was loved, but he didn't feel it in his heart because his parents
didn't accept his wishes, ways and choices.
Knowing you are loved
and 'feeling it' are two different things!
Koren discovered that it was pointless having
wishes and desires. She would only have to kill them off when she found a
partner. Obligation and love became synonymous. Koren knewTim loved her, but she didn't feel it in her
heart unless he proved it by doing what she asked and in the time frame she
expected.
Tim discovered that it was futile hoping for
loved ones to give him space and freedom to have his own way of doing things,
especially if they were waiting on him to get things done. He knew that Koren loved him, but he didn't feel it
when she ordered him around and demanded immediate action.
How can Tim and Koren
feel the love they each say they have for one another?
Research indicates that controlling mothers
inhibit the development of empathy in their children for future romantic
partners.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2010.
Both Tim and Koren experienced controlling
mothers and were denied the opportunity to have their feelings and wishes taken
into consideration as part of the family experience.
They can learn to develop a sense of empathy
for the experience of their partner. They have to practice doing for each other
what they were deprived of as children.
1. They can ask each other what it's like to
have demands made, or personal choices unaccepted.
2. Tim can tell Koren how threatened he feels
when her demands trigger a fear that he is going to have to give up his
thoughts, ideas, and vision of life.
3. Koren can tell Tim how scared she feels
when he fails to do what she wants. She can share her fear of being banished
from his world and left alone, unwanted.
4. Tim and Koren can connect through the
empathy they build when they both appreciate the threats they are defending
against.
5. With understanding and connection Tim and
Koren will approach each other with more compassion stoked by empathy.
6. Tim and Koren will feel the love and
understanding during their interactions in the way the speak and look at one
another.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Sign up for free relationship tips by
relationship psychologist Dr. Jeanette Raymond and get weekly advice to take
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