Relationship Advice - Is It More Painful To Stay Or To Leave the Relationship?

By Beverleigh H Piepers

Many people find themselves in this situation: they're in a relationship, they're unhappy, and they wonder if they should leave or stay. There is no doubt it is painful to think about having to start all over again, but it is also painful to consider staying in a relationship that has plenty of issues attached to it. So what do you do? To decide that, you have to determine which would hurt more, staying or leaving?

First, consider staying. What are the good parts of the relationship? Has the frequency of these good points deteriorated over time? Or have the total number of good points dwindled? All relationships settle, to a certain degree, over time. You just have to determine whether or not yours has deteriorated past a healthy level. Even areas that have dwindled can be revived as long as both sides are willing to put forth the effort.

You also have to be honest with yourself. Are you staying because you still see hope in the relationship working out or are you there only because you don't like the prospect of starting over? Even if you are biding your time until someone better comes along, it isn't fair to your partner. Don't stay just because it is the safe alternative.

Next, consider staying. What qualities does your partner have that you would miss? Are they still the same person they were when you first met them? Have you changed? If so, what caused the change? Was it because of something negative they did, or because you grew weary of the relationship and where you believed it was heading? Be honest, no matter how much it might hurt them.

When making this decision, remember there usually isn't a clear-cut answer. Each decision will come with its own bad points. You have to determine whether or not the bad points are enough to warrant the change. Ending a relationship is never going to be easy. If it were, then there would be no need to ponder over it.

The last thing you want is to be uncertain. Once you make your decision, it has to be final. Lives will be changed forever. There is no room here for guessing. The best rule of thumb is this: don't stay with someone because you can live with them: stay with them because you can't live without them. If you look at it from this particular perspective, then your decision will be much easier for you.

Are destructive emotions at the heart of the problems you are experiencing with your relationship. If so, maybe you need to get control of what you are really telling yourself. What are your beliefs about relationship problems and your part in them?

Article Source: Here

Character Traits That Promote Intimacy and Avoid Marriage Problems

By Bryce Kaye, Ph.D.

Over the past 35 years, I have seen thousands of couples in marriage counseling. I thought it might be interesting to list out the personal traits and values of the most competent partners who do the best at maintaining their relationships. Instead of taking your partner's inventory I would suggest that you take an honest look at yourself. See where you might like to do you future growth. Here's the list:

·         Heterocentric perspective - The person intuitively weighs the best balance of welfare among competing interests. The person is concerned for the other person but also for his or her own self as well as the overall relationship. The person doesn't just consider self alone (narcissism) or just consider the partner alone (co-dependent self-sacrifice).

·         Future welfare is prioritized over immediate comfort - The person is willing to sacrifice the immediate emotional relief that derives from regressive behavior (e.g. blaming, attacking, raging, lying, hiding etc.) and instead promotes and protects the future relationship. The person uses self-discipline to tolerate temporary discomfort in order to do this

·         Truth is prioritized over appearance and pride - The person is willing to tolerate the shameful discomfort that accompanies exposing truth about his or her own limitations. The person practices healthy humility for the sake of truth. When the person makes a mistake, "loses it", behaves irresponsibly, etc. the person admits it and takes responsibility. Because the person values truth so highly, he or she is welcomes outside information to help the relationship. The relationship is an "open system."

·         Autonomous persistence - The person behaves constructively and works at cultivating the relationship even when the partner misbehaves irresponsibly. The person doesn't base their self-discipline on whether or not the partner "is trying too." The person's behavior is motivated by his/her desire for personal integrity.

·         Mindfulness of state - The person is able to notice more than the content of conversations. The person notices the background moods occurring in both self and the partner.. The person gauges when the background mood states are conducive for productive communication (e.g. Is the person or the partner too angry to engage in a constructive conflict?)

·         Pro-active creativity - The person comes up with his or her own ideas about how to share positive experiences with the partner. The person makes suggestions and invites the partner to share fun in different ways. The person doesn't just wait for the partner to arrange the common agenda.

·         Willingness to risk exposure - The person is willing to share his or her internal truths with the partner. The person discloses his or her more vulnerable feelings such as fear, shame, desire and wonder in addition to less vulnerable feelings such as anger and frustration.

·         Liberated curiosity - The person is able to stop being task-focused or defensive and periodically shares wonder, curiosity and uncertainty in the moment.

·         Long-term view - The person considers the long-term effects of their own emotionally driven behavior before acting or reacting. The person's intuitive wisdom checks impulses to either act out or to hide that would eventually lead to damage or imbalance in the relationship. The person's intuition creates a model of the probable future world(s) depending on what he or she will do.

·         Realistic expectations - The person avoids magical expectations of quick change or fairytale expectations of a perfect partner. The partner's acceptance of the partner's imperfection, negative feeling states and slow emotional change actually protects the relationship from toxic shame. The partner accepts that changing emotionally driven behavior involves time and only gradual results. Realistic expectations prevent an overwhelming amount of frustration and anger.

How did you do? Maybe you saw somewhere you could grow a bit.

Dr. Bryce Kaye invites you to visit his website http://www.loveodyssey.net where you can learn about the unique Love Odyssey marriage retreats. On a Love Odyssey retreat you can sail to different ports of call along the rivers and sounds of North Carolina while receiving private couples counseling to give your marriage a safe passage. The website has numerous articles and videos to explain the scientific basis for why these retreats are so effective.

Article Source: Here

Wise Mistakes in Marriage and Relationships

By Bryce Kaye, Ph.D.

For a good while, I've had to talk to numerous people about how to let go of harmful relationships. Getting out of harmful relationships has been a very hot topic in the press for several years. The topic seems relevant to the needs of many. However, there is a danger to such a negative outlook. With such a collective focus on avoiding or escaping from destructive relationships it's easy to overlook the natural and non-pathological ways that relationships often do not work out. Many times I have seen people blame themselves mercilessly for having pursued yet another ill-fated relationship, even when the relationship initially seemed to hold much promise. This self-castigation is especially prevalent among the people focusing on recovery from co-dependence issues. Like most self-blame, it's destructive as well as unnecessary.

Too many people view relationships from a pseudo-scientific perspective: If you make a wise choice in a partner, then the relationship will work out (assuming you make the "right" moves as well). If you hold this belief as being your own, it may be laying the foundation for accumulating shame and low self-esteem. The problem is that relationship skills are probabilistic at best. You can behave in "better" or "worse" ways to influence relationships but you cannot control them. They are NOT scientific and they don't rely on exact procedures. There are no "right" choices! The myth of control is dangerous even though it seems reassuring on the surface. If you assume relationships can be controlled, then when one doesn't work out you will likely conclude that you either did not make a wise choice in a mate (i.e. "dumb choice") or that you didn't manage the relationship the "right" way (i.e. "dumb moves"). These messages accumulate more shame and evidence of your being a defective human being, even though your investment in the relationship may have been a good risk.

You are better off with a broader concept of risk within relationships. Instead of assuming that risk is just a matter of feeling vulnerable., you can also assume that you are operating on very limited information. You can assume that there is a lot about your partner that you cannot know, and perhaps a lot that they may not know about themselves. You can assume that you can't perfectly predict how your partner's feelings will change as the relationship evolves. You can assume that changing life circumstances may influence either your partner's emotional investment or your own. In short, you can assume random and unpredictable influences over which you have little or no control. Which brings me to my main premise: That you can take wise risks for a relationship that doesn't necessarily work out. Even though you may be disappointed with the demise of a relationship, your initial decision to invest may have been a wise one. This is especially prevalent when one person risks investing with another who is undergoing personal change following a separation or divorce. The newly divorced person may be wonderfully receptive, compassionate, and loving but he or she may be understandably fearful of making new commitments and may not have a stable vision of what he or she wants. Investing with such a person has many risks but also much potential. Will it be worth it? There's no way to tell for sure. How much time do you have to find out? How important is a future commitment and how much do you want to emphasize the present? How vulnerable are you to the pain of possible disappointment? You may weigh these and other considerations when making a wise choice... and you may still be disappointed in the end. If you considered many of these factors, you don't have to blame yourself for being dumb or pathological. You can instead appreciate your limitations in being able to predict the future.

So how do you know when you are making a "wise" or an "unwise" investment in a relationship? I would suggest that it is unwise to ignore easily obtainable information that can help your decisions. For example, not communicating with your partner can help keep you totally in the dark. The most unsound choices are made when you are ignoring information that you already have on hand. If you ignore a long and consistent pattern of frustrating behaviors by your partner merely because you keep hoping that he or she will change, then you are certainly exercising unwise choices. The bottom line is that unwise choices will involve unsound consideration of available information. Wise choices involve consideration of available but limited information as well as the real possibility that you may still wind up with having made a wise mistake.

Dr. Bryce Kaye invites you to visit his website http://www.loveodyssey.net where you can learn about the unique Love Odyssey marriage retreats. On a Love Odyssey retreat you can sail to different ports of call along the rivers and sounds of North Carolina while receiving private couples counseling to give your marriage a safe passage. The website has numerous articles and videos to explain the scientific basis for why these retreats are so effective.

Article Source: Here

The Ingredients of a Successful Marriage

By Tina B Rizk

Marriage is one of the best unions that can ever exist between a man and a woman. Yet, marriage should be based on solid ground to grow and stand the test of time. Why do some marriages last a lifetime in harmony and understanding while others don't? How to make sure that your partner is the right person with whom you will live happily ever after?

Probably everything starts prior to the engagement period. Marriage requires some maturity and a certain level of consciousness, and therefore decisions shouldn't be taken slightly. Quite often engagement period is based on romance and fondness which is great as long as the mind is given its share too. So besides romance, the engagement period should involve some discussions and understanding on the basics too.

One of the most important cornerstones of a successful marriage is harmony. Harmony is being on the same wavelength and is translated after many years of marriage by knowing what your partner is thinking or feeling at a glance.

On the other hand, there's no successful marriage on earth that doesn't require compromises at some time or another. Most often, love can be measured by how much the partner is ready to compromise. The deeper the love is, the more compromises are being made and the opposite is true too.

Routine might be the worst thing that can be installed in a relationship. It starts in the mind prior to anything else. Life involves growing, acquiring more consciousness. Married people are not the same persons they were couples of years ago when they first got married. We are forged by our experiences in life, by circumstances, by people we meet and by our way of thinking and analyzing life's matters.

The rule of thumb to be able to love others is to love ourselves first. No one can give something he or she doesn't possess. Generally, people often tend to evaluate a married life by how their parents' relation was.

Also, the love they received from their parents and particularly from the opposite sex is a major determinant as to how they will be able to give love to their future partner. For instance, a man who received lots of love from his parents and particularly from his mother will be a caring and loving partner much more than the man who lacked love as a child from his mother. The same applies for women of course.

Finally, I like this nice and true quote from Mignon Mclaughlin: "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

Tina has over 19 years of work experience in various international companies and currently works as a freelance translator, copywriter and marketing consultant. Tina is proficient in both English, Arabic and French.

Article Source: Here

How Can We Hope To Live Happily Ever After?

By Stephen Russell-Lacy

A Jane Austin novel seems to end at the altar as if the wedding were all that is necessary for future bliss. Yet these days a lot of marriages seem to finish up on the scrap heap and you might have a sneaky feeling that perhaps a well-known film star was right in her opinion.

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."(Katherine Hepburn)

So is achieving a happy marriage simply a matter of selecting the right mate in the first place, or is it about finding a successful formula for living together? Or perhaps you think it is all to do with good luck?

Experience of happy couples Rather than study just failed relationships, several psychological researchers have actually looked at successful marriages. For example the late Judith Wallerstein, reported in her book The good marriage: How and why love lasts, that happily married men and women both tend to report the same basic experiences.

We worked it out. To love, you must feel emotionally safe - totally accepted, respected, and supported. Therefore, we don't criticize or strike out in anger, instead we gently request a change."

"We do so much together and agree on most issues, but we have a clear sense of self and do things by ourselves"

"We cherish our time together, expressing our appreciation of each other for little acts of kindness as well as major sacrifices. We treasure our memories and frequently remind each other of the good times."

This is only a glimpse of what some contented partners have known.

Mature love Clearly a lasting relationship is something more than mere sexual pleasure, romantic sentiment, or emotional infatuation.

"You can tell that it's infatuation when you think that he's as sexy as Paul Newman, as athletic as Pete Rose, as selfless and dedicated as Ralph Nader, as smart as John Kenneth Galbraith and as funny as Don Rickles. You can be reasonably sure that it's love when you realize he's actually about as sexy as Don Rickles, as athletic as Ralph Nader, as smart as Pete Rose, as funny as John Kenneth Galbraith and doesn't resemble Paul Newman in any way - but you'll stick with him anyway." (Judith Viorst)

Immature love has been called trying to fill loneliness or an emotional vacuum with a love relationship. Some psychotherapists have written about immature love saying it follows the principle "I love because I am loved" and " I love you because I need you." On the other hand they say that mature love, its opposite, follows the principle "I am loved because I love," and"I need you because I love you."

Not surprisingly, mature love is said to imply concern for the partner's emotional and bodily needs, respect for their uniqueness, seeing them as they really are and helping them to grow and unfold in their own ways, for their own sake and not for serving oneself. We are told it involves entering and become familiar with the private world of the lover, to live in the other person's life and sense his or her meanings and experiences.

Commitment Mature love involves commitment. But the issue of commitment seems difficult to many. Importantly, there is commitment to the exclusive nature of the relationship. Infidelity is a 'no no.' In line with the teachings of the world's major religions, illicit sex and unchaste thoughts are to be avoided.

"Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love." (Bonnie Eaker Weil).

An affair is a betrayal of the trust that has been shared in marriage that is extremely hurtful to the innocent partner.

Neither can a lack of commitment to work on the relationship be seen as good news. There are bound to be problems in any sexual union and so if one gives up easily one could end up living with several partners without giving any of them a proper chance.

"Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time that they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the rough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure." (Stephen Kendrick).

Origin of mature love So where does mature love come from? According to Emanuel Swedenborg it has a divine origin. This he calls 'conjugial love' which he says is a spiritual gift: it only flows into where it is wanted but when it flows it creates a deep sense of joy, contentment, and delight that lasts for ever. You might wonder whether this is the 'happy ever after' many have dreamed about?

Swedenborg maintains that if 'conjugial love 'is to be received it requires a man to be prepared to be influenced by his wife's subjective feelings of care and sensitivity to personal issues. He needs to listen to her practical wisdom. And it requires a woman to be willing to learn from her husband's objective and rational thinking. On the other hand,

"When a woman thinks her husband is a fool, her marriage is over. They may part in one year or ten; they may live together until death. But if she thinks he is a fool, she will not love him again." (Philippa Gregory).

In other words lasting happiness requires a suitable love match where the two partners can progress together in their personal inner journey, being willing to prioritise each of their needs and humbly learn from each other by celebrating their different strengths.

Copyright 2012 Stephen Russell-Lacy

As a clinical psychologist, Stephen Russell-Lacy has specialised in cognitive-behavioural psychotherapy, working for many years with adults suffering distress and disturbance.

He edits Spiritual Questions a free eZine that explores links between spiritual philosophy and the comments and questions of spiritual seekers. You can share your views and find out more about making sense of life.

His book Heart, Headand Hands draws links between the psycho-spiritual teachings of the eighteenth century spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg and current ideas in therapy and psychology.

Article Source: Here

I'm Afraid That My Husband Will Divorce Me So Quickly That I Can't Save Our Marriage

By Leslie Cane

I often hear from women who are wondering how long they truly have to change their husband's mind about the divorce that he has recently filed. Often, they want to know how long it takes for a divorce to become final so that they will know how long they have to carry out any reconciliation plan.

I heard from a wife who said: "my husband filed for divorce two days ago. We were separated for a while and things actually seemed to be getting better between us. That's why I'm shocked that he filed. When I asked him about it, he said that it was a very hard decision but that he was just doing what he thought was best. He didn't really want to elaborate at all so I'm not sure if he's going to try to get a finalized divorce very quickly or if he will drag his feet because he still isn't sure. I'm a bit panicked thinking that I might have only mere weeks to save my marriage. But then I think that perhaps my panic is leading me to think that things are worse than they actually are. How can I tell if he's going to be moving quickly on this? So far, I only have the initial filing."

I am certainly not an attorney or fit to offer legal advice. And I won't be doing that in this article. I can tell you that this varies from state to state so any attorney in your particular state can outline a typical time frame.

However, I know from experience that feeling panic is actually a detriment to saving your marriage. The reason for this is that when you are desperate you act in ways that are more likely to make your husband want the divorce to become final more quickly instead of changing his mind. So as rushed as you may feel, try your very best not to panic because this can cause you to lose control of your emotions and now is the time that you need to be firmly in control.

Know That Your Husband (And Not Anyone Else) Will Generally Set The Time Frame:

I am speaking very generally here, but many times, people who want to move very quickly on their divorce have a lot of anger at their spouse. Something very explosive or disturbing has happened to make the divorcing spouse want the other out of their lives as soon as is possible. That didn't appear to be the case here.

Of course, your husband's attorney will likely want to get right to work and to move forward. But generally speaking, your husband is the one who will set the pace. In other words, if your husband begins to have doubts and wants to slow or halt the process, he can always tell the attorney to pause or to wait. After all, the attorney works for your husband and everything is done at your husband's directive.

My point is that if you can change your husband's mind or cause him to waiver, then he does have the ability to slow down or even halt the process. I have seen this happen many times. I've even seen more than a few couples divorce and eventually reconcile later. So although I know you probably feel very pressured, know that even if the worst seemingly happens, people can and do change their mind. It's my opinion and experience that as long as both spouses are still alive, there is always a chance that all is not lost.

Know That "Fighting" Your Husband On The Divorce Isn't A Strategy With A High Success Rate:

Many wives figure that if their husband plans to move quickly, their best strategy is to "fight" him on the divorce or to be very contentious. When you consider your long term strategy, this doesn't make a lot of sense. If your whole goal is to make him not want to divorce you so that you can remain married and will reconcile, then fighting with him isn't likely to help you much. Sure, you may put a wrench in his plans, but when the divorce is final (even if this takes a little longer) than you may well dislike one another very much, making a reconciliation next to impossible.

The other alternative is share any reconciliation strategy with your own attorney with the directive to cooperate but to not work at the most speedy pace so that each phase takes a good amount of time. Because if you appear to be cooperating, this will mean that you have a better chance of continuing to have access with your husband and of continuing to get a long well. You are going to need both things in order to have the best chance at a reconciliation.

So to answer the question posed, I really couldn't predict this husband's time frame. The fact that the couple were still interacting in positive ways was a good sign and I felt that the wife was right to resist panicking. I believe that the best strategy is appearing to cooperate while maintaining as much control as you can. You want to maintain access to your husband so that you can still talk and meet regularly in the hopes that you can steadily improve your relationship until it reaches the point where you husband no longer wants to pursue a divorce.

Unfortunately, I know most of this from experience. To say I panicked when my husband started talking about a divorce is an understatement.  And I acted in ways that truly embarrass me now.  Needless to say, this hurt me rather than helped me and I had to completelychange strategiesin order to get my husband back.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

Article Source: Here

Six Ways to Compromise Different Expectations of Love in Your Relationship

By Jeanette Raymond

If Tim did what Koren asked of him it meant that he really loved her. Obedience to the wishes of your mate was Koren's definition of love.

If Koren gave Tim her blessing to do things according to his priority list he felt loved, cherished and respected. Permission to do what he wanted was Tim's definition of love.

Two differing views of love brought friction, frustration and fury to the relationship.

Each kept demanding proof of love and care in ways that mattered to them.

So Koren kept asking Tim to take care of things for the family and around the house on her schedule.

Three of her most frequent demands were:

1. Get the plumbing repair done cheaply

2. Come to bed at the same time as me

3. Stay by her side at all times at a party

Tim's hot button got pushed. He wasn't going to let Koren control him. He would give Koren alternative ways of getting things done, in the hope of getting her off his back.

Three of Tim's solutions

1. My aunt knows plumbers who are reasonably priced, call her.

2. Watch TV or read until I am ready for bed and then we can have our time together

3. Mingle and make friends with other people at parties

Tim's 'alternative solutions' pushed Koren's hot buttons. She didn't care about the jobs that needed doing. She just wanted proof that Tim would do what she asked so she could be reassured of his continuing care and love for her.

Koren escalated her demands and Tim became more rigid in his determination not to be controlled. Fierce clashes broke out, each accusing the other of being mean, selfish and unloving.

Koren's angry demands became 'orders' and 'threats.'

Tim's 'alternative solutions' became outbursts of defensiveness aimed at maintaining his autonomy.

How did Koren and Tim end up feeling under threat, unloved and desperate to have the exact proof of love they needed from their partners?

The rule in Koren's family was that you only get loved if you do as you are told. When she did what her parents wanted, when they wanted she was noticed. She received smiles, and soft loving satisfied tones of voice directed at her. If she delayed or put her needs first, she was ignored, spurned, forgotten and compared unfavorably to her siblings.

Tim grew up in a home where he too was controlled but in a different way. He was allowed to have his wishes and desires but only up to a point. He had to practice what his parents preached. Tim knew he was loved, but he didn't feel it in his heart because his parents didn't accept his wishes, ways and choices.

Knowing you are loved and 'feeling it' are two different things!

Koren discovered that it was pointless having wishes and desires. She would only have to kill them off when she found a partner. Obligation and love became synonymous. Koren knewTim loved her, but she didn't feel it in her heart unless he proved it by doing what she asked and in the time frame she expected.

Tim discovered that it was futile hoping for loved ones to give him space and freedom to have his own way of doing things, especially if they were waiting on him to get things done. He knew that Koren loved him, but he didn't feel it when she ordered him around and demanded immediate action.

How can Tim and Koren feel the love they each say they have for one another?

Research indicates that controlling mothers inhibit the development of empathy in their children for future romantic partners.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2010.

Both Tim and Koren experienced controlling mothers and were denied the opportunity to have their feelings and wishes taken into consideration as part of the family experience.

They can learn to develop a sense of empathy for the experience of their partner. They have to practice doing for each other what they were deprived of as children.

1. They can ask each other what it's like to have demands made, or personal choices unaccepted.

2. Tim can tell Koren how threatened he feels when her demands trigger a fear that he is going to have to give up his thoughts, ideas, and vision of life.

3. Koren can tell Tim how scared she feels when he fails to do what she wants. She can share her fear of being banished from his world and left alone, unwanted.

4. Tim and Koren can connect through the empathy they build when they both appreciate the threats they are defending against.

5. With understanding and connection Tim and Koren will approach each other with more compassion stoked by empathy.

6. Tim and Koren will feel the love and understanding during their interactions in the way the speak and look at one another.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sign up for free relationship tips by relationship psychologist Dr. Jeanette Raymond and get weekly advice to take you from fear and frustration to fulfilling relationships. http://LosAngelesWestsidetherapy.com

Article Source: Here